After leaving: Managing post-separation abuse

What is post-separation abuse?

Many people believe that when a woman leaves an abusive partner, the abuse will end. Sadly, this is rarely the case. As a couple separates, the abuser may not want to give up their power and control. In fact, the period leading up to and up to two years post-separation are the most dangerous for women leaving abusive relationships. As Battered Women Support Services notes, “77 percent of domestic violence-related homicides occur upon separation and there is a 75 percent increase of violence upon separation for at least two years“. This abuse is known as post-separation abuse.

Abusive former partners may:

• Block access to money after separation
• Use stalking behaviours (property damage, excessive phone calls, phone threats and verbal abuse, phones and hangs up, etc.), particularly if you takes a stand against what they want
• Monitor your whereabouts and/or follow you
• Use technology to monitor, harass or stalk you
• Use social media to talk about the case or slander your name
• Lock you out of the family home
• Increase threats and intimidation
• Threaten/cause harm to friends, family or a new partner

They may also involve the children in the abuse:

• Threaten/cause harm to your children
• Destroy the children’s belongings and threaten or harm the family’s pets
• Use children to justify breaking no contact orders
• Make false accusations of bad parenting, including contacting child protection services
• Exploit “father’s rights” to gain sympathy/undermine you
• Withhold child/spousal support, medical insurance, financial contribution to children’s extra expenses (e.g., sports, daycare, school uniform/graduation costs)
• Ignore children’s schedules, needs, identities, fears
• Use children as spies/to monitor on you

Access our Forms of Abuse Checklist for more information on identifying abusive behaviours.

Safety

Before you can manage post-separation abuse and consider building a workable post-separation relationship, you need to first identify any safety concerns and put measures in place to reduce the risk of harm to you and your children. Learn more about keeping safe, including safety planning via our family court survival workbook, Family Court And Beyond.

Tips for managing post-separation abuse

Even for former couples where there was no abuse during the relationship, positive post-separation communication can be challenging. Hurt feelings, a lack of trust, possibly new partners — can all interfere with effective communication even if there are no safety considerations.

Where there is post-separation abuse, all of the usual challenges exist, but there may also be ongoing power and control issues, and safety may be a factor.

Many abusers use the children as an excuse to insist on more communication than is actually required, and many women are so used to going along with what their partner wants that they do not realize they can set limits on communication after the court case is over.

Here are just a few of the do’s and don’ts we suggest.

Do:

• Communicate directly with your ex-partner
• If you are meeting with your ex-partner, do so in a safe, preferably public place
• Schedule difficult conversations for times when the children won’t hear them
• Be prepared before conversations with your ex-partner, especially if you anticipate you may not agree with one another
• Keep a record of your communication
• Take the time to think carefully about what words to use. Avoid words and language that you know will hurt or anger your ex-partner or that will just make emotions run even higher than they already are
• Think carefully about the timing of difficult messages so you communicate them at a time when your ex-partner will be the most receptive
• Be focused, clear and precise
• Set communication boundaries. If your plan is to communicate only by email, when he calls you, respond by email so at least you are being consistent
• Focus your communication on the issue at hand
• Remember BIFF: brief, informative, friendly, firm
• Use a respectful or at least neutral tone of voice, whether in written or verbal communication
• Take time to really listen to what your ex-partner has to say
• Bring an open attitude, assuming the best
• Be polite, honest, kind or at least neutral
• End conversations that are not healthy or productive, and if necessary, come back to the subject at a later time or in a different way

Don’t:

• Don’t use your kids or other family members as messengers between you and your ex-partner
• Don’t meet with your ex-partner in either of your homes
• Don’t have difficult conversations or arguments when the children can hear
• Don’t rush into conversations with your ex-partner. You are more likely to get backed into a corner and agree to an outcome you don’t want if you are unprepared for the conversation
• Don’t throw out any written communication or delete abusive phone calls or texts
• Don’t communicate in haste. Responding quickly to something your ex-partner has said might feel great in the moment, but if your anger or frustration come through in your communication, you could have more problems down the road
• Don’t send a communication to your ex-partner that you think will make them angry when the kids are with them or if you are about to see them in person
• Don’t let yourself get sidetracked
• Don’t break communication boundaries that you and your ex-partner have agreed on, unless it is an emergency. For example, if you have agreed to communicate by email, don’t suddenly call them
• Don’t use communication to raise every little thing you don’t like about your ex-partner
• Don’t ramble or raise unrelated topics that you know will be contentious
• Don’t use vulgar or aggressive language, no matter how you are feeling
• Don’t do all the talking
• Don’t make assumptions
• Don’t be rude, dishonest, cruel
• Don’t continue conversations that are abusive, disrespectful or harmful

Remember, you cannot control how your former partner communicates with you, but you can control your own communication.

Learn more about navigating the family court system after leaving abuse via FamilyCourtAndBeyond.ca.