Tips for building a new and safe co-parenting relationship

Abuse does not always end because a relationship does. If you have children with your ex-partner, you will need to build a new co-parenting relationship. It is important that this new relationship takes into account your safety. This can be challenging for many reasons.

Here are tips for building a new, and safe, co-parenting relationship after leaving abuse:

• Set boundaries with your ex-partner
• Communication in ways that are physically and emotionally safe
• Do not meet with your ex in person if you do not need to
• If you must meet with your ex in person: 
  • Do it in a public place with witnesses and security cameras. 
  • Do not meet at either your home or your ex-partner’s home
  • Choose a place that is neither deserted nor busy and loud. A library or quiet coffee shop could be good locations.  
  • It’s usually safer to meet inside a public place rather than outside or in the parking lot
  • If you’re very concerned, consider meeting at a police station 
  • Consider bringing someone with you, but make you trust them, and be aware that this encounter could put risk their safety
  • Make sure someone knows the details about your meeting. This includes:
    • Who you are meeting
    • Where you are meeting
    • Why you are meeting
    • When you are meeting
    • What time you think you will be home
    • When they should expect to hear from you
    • When they should become concerned.
    • Ask them to stay in touch with you by text
• Be polite and cordial but brief and to the point when communicating 
• Many women find email is the best way to communicate with an abusive ex-partner. The advantages of email are: 
  • It creates a written record, preventing “he said/she said” situations. 
  • It is easier to take time and think about what you want to say. This helps reduce the chances your ex-partner will be able to trip you up and get you to say something they can use against you in court
  • There is less expectation of immediate responses. 
  • Unlike text messaging, email does not typically involve read receipts. 
• When communicating by email, don’t use the “reply” button. Send a new email and title it “Reply to your email on [DATE] at [TIME].”

The information in this post comes from our toolkit for women: The Parenting and Law after Separation. If you are a woman with children and you are leaving a relationship in which your partner has been abusive to you, this toolkit will help you seek safe arrangements for the children.