Teaching your kids to be safe: a post-separation checklist

When a relationship ends, parents must sort out arrangements for the children. This includes when the children will spend time with each parent and who has decision-making responsibilities about important things that affect the children. Until these issues are resolved, the law sees both parents as equally responsible for the children’s care. While you navigate the court system and beyond, there are some important safety considerations post-separation. One of these considerations is your children’s safety.

Our toolkit, The Law and Parenting Arrangements Post-Separation, includes a checklist for teaching your kids to be safe.

Here are some questions to consider when it comes to the safety of your children after leaving abuse:

• If your children are old enough to be left home alone, have you talked to them about home-alone safety? Do they understand what they need to do if your ex-partner shows up?
  • Be aware that even if children understand that the other parent is a threat and they are not allowed to let them in, abusers are skilled manipulators, and children are vulnerable to this. Your ex-partner may say scary and upsetting things (including threatening to self-harm or burn the house down), guilt-trip the children, fabricate an emergency, put on a very convincing emotional display and/or find a way to trick the children into letting them in—and your ex-partner likely knows your children well enough to know exactly what to say to them.
• Do your children know not to answer the phone if it’s the other parent or a blocked/unknown number? Make sure they know to just let the phone ring and go to voicemail. Declining the call lets the abuser know that there has been a response on the other end.
• Do your children have “safe adults” they can trust—a teacher, doctor, friend’s parent, religious leader, an Indigenous Elder, their sports coach or an extended-family member?
• Do you have a comprehensive safety plan with your children?
• Do you have a code word? Do your children know what to do when they hear it? Do they know that the code word is a secret?
• Have you discussed a plan for what you’ll do if the abuser breaks in or shows up at the home and won’t leave?

Learn more about parenting arrangements post-separation, check out our FREE toolkit.

Access our family court survival workbook for women leaving abuse.